Liberation

I began this drawing in March 2022 after my first and last embryo transfer fell through.

I always thought I'd be a mother one day until breast cancer manifested in my life.

Before my chemotherapy started, I underwent IVF and was able to create one embryo. My fertility doctor reminded me there would be a slight chance of success; expect the worst and hope for the best. So, when I heard the news, I was delighted and encouraged. The embryo had become my North Star navigating me to sail across the violent storms of nausea and all the side effects from the treatment.

It took me two years to heal from the treatment and have my body ready for the transfer. Everything seemed to align for me to the day; there wasn't a doubt in my mind that I would be a mother.

So, when the result showed up, I went blank.

It cannot be. It must be just a bad dream.

Then I looked into my husband's eyes and saw a reflection of my deep, silent sadness.

And I cried. I cried a lot more than when I received my cancer diagnosis.

All my aspirations and identity of becoming a mother were crumbling into pieces. It was scary and hard to let go. I was sad, angry, and felt betrayed by the universe. For the next few weeks, I mourned the loss of my intangible dream.

But I also knew from my cancer journey that a challenging experience is a precursor for a powerful transformation if you make it so.

I knew it was up to me; remain in this familiar realm of darkness or rise up and create my life with a new perspective.

So, I chose the latter and began painting.

I didn't know the outcome, but I knew it would lead me somewhere. I kept telling myself I was exactly where I needed to be and allowed my creative force to be my North Star. For the next six months, the painting kept evolving. Nothing stayed static. Everything was in motion.

And one day, a new thought dawned on me.

How much of my desire to become a mother originated from me, and how much was from external influences?

We are social beings; what we do and think are shaped by our upbringing and the social groups we associate with. To this current stage, women expect and are expected to get pregnant and become mothers even though some are not physically suited or meant to be.

Our true essence is love. Creating and seeing our reality with its frequency is natural for all of us. It is not exclusive to those who mother a human child. The creative force inside me gives birth to my paintings and writing. My love towards friends, family, animals and nature is genuine.

With this new realization, I could finally let go of something that was not aligned with my evolution.

We are spiritual beings having a human experience of going through a big consciousness shift and awakening, heading to a New Earth. A completely different realm of reality, where we live the highest and best expression of who we are while sharing our gifts with the world.

Before creating something completely new, we must destroy what existed before.

Chaos is the hub for new potential. No matter how stressful, turbulent or disheartening our current world may seem, they are a part of the birthing process of our evolution. As individuals, we can let go of our limiting beliefs, reclaim our sovereignty, and steer the vessel toward the best future for ourselves.

Each of us is the writer and protagonist of our own story.

In my script, the chapter on fertility came to completion.

My new chapter has just begun, and I know I am heading to a place filled with light, love, empowerment, delicious meals, and many paintings.

As I walk through the entrance gate of the 43rd Solar Circle, I intend to stay open to any experiences and create my authentic life story one brush stroke at a time.

Much love,

Junko

(Written on October 9, 2022)

The following pictures show the evolution of my painting. All the images on the canvas appeared organically, and they guided me to heal, empower, and ignite the creative force within me.