Awakening

I found a lump in my left breast in June 2019 and instinctively knew it needed to be checked out. I did a mammogram first, and a few weeks later, I went back to the hospital for a biopsy. The following day I received a phone call from my primary care doctor, and based on the tone of his voice, I sensed it was not going to be good news. Yes, it was breast cancer — invasive ductal carcinoma.

The word "death" crossed my mind. I had Triple-Negative cancer, which was more aggressive and fast-spreading than other types. Also, it was my second cancer, so I thought maybe it was my time to go.

We are spiritual beings having a human experience on this planet. So when we 'die,' we return to our original home, wherever it may be. Until then, I had always thought I was content with my life. There would be no regrets even if I die now…

I was so wrong.

A huge wave of emotions rushed toward me. I was shocked, sad, and fearful of the unknown. I cried like a little child, not knowing what would happen to me. The next few hours were the darkest and scariest time of my life. I felt like I was sinking into the bottomless ocean of darkness, completely losing the sense of direction.

On the very same evening, something happened. I felt the light of optimism entering my consciousness, assuring me that I would be OK. I had a sense of knowing that I would overcome the challenge, and it would not last long.

The next day, the number 11:11 on my phone caught my eye. I didn't know what it meant, so I looked up:

1111 signifies "new beginning," "wake-up call," and "the power of manifestation." I see. The diagnosis was a catalyst for my awakening process. It was a gift from the universe telling me it was time to wake up and find my true self.

The next six months were physically the hardest and spiritually the most beautiful time of my life.

Physically speaking, the chemotherapy was very traumatizing. There was nothing pretty about the side effects. My hair started falling out, and my tongue and nails darkened soon after the 1st round. My eyebrows were thinning, too. It was close to Halloween, so my new appearance was quite suitable for the occasion. Nausea was the worst enemy of all. A few hours after each round, I was thrown into a violent storm of nausea. None of the prescribed medications worked well for me, so I just had to endure the sensations until the angry waves gradually subsided, which took about five days.

I also noticed that the chemo had a potent detox effect on me. Like the clear blue sky after a storm, I experienced a new sense of clarity, peace, and calmness birthing in my consciousness. Gratitude was blooming. My intuitions and psychic senses were heightened. When I went for a walk, I could "see" the energy field surrounding the plants and animals. I was in awe of the life force within everyone and everything on earth.

Every day, I was given an opportunity to face and work on emotional scars from my childhood, regrets, guilt, resentments, and judgment that I had held towards myself and others for decades. All these years, I saw the world from the prison of my mind. As a result, I was giving away a lot of my emotions and energy to the past, disconnecting from the present, which was only an awareness away.

Along the way, I understood why I had cancer.

I had been suffering from "unexplained infertility" for several years, which had taken a heavy toll on me. The seeds of sadness, rejection, despair, shame, and disappointment had begun to sprout. From 2018 onwards, I could no longer see anything ahead of me and fell into a deep pit of depression. At that time, I neither knew I was depressed nor the severity of it. I was emotionally disengaged and numb.

Not being able to become a mother was so painful and devastating for my soul, so much so that I had secretly begun to wish my life would end. I was in this mindset for about two years. Every day, the word 'death' was in my mind. I was slowly killing myself from the inside.

So the universe responded and manifested my wish in the form of cancer. But, at the same time, it has become a catalyst for my awakening process and pushed me to undergo egg retrieval before the chemotherapy.

New realizations unfolding one after another, like a lotus flower with a thousand petals, I did not have time to think about the diagnosis. It felt meaningless to label myself as someone who had cancer. It was so much more fascinating to see the world with new eyes.

Please know that this is my story experienced from my perspective. Still, illness or a challenging situation in life is a wonderful opportunity for growth.

I also believe that the awakening process does not need to start with a 'smack over the head' kind of experience like mine. All we need is the intention to change. Fear is an illusion. It seems fearful because we are tapping into unexplored territory. However, once we set foot with acceptance and trust, a new portal of possibility will open.

We are the creator of our own reality. We all graduate from this earth school one day. So why not empower ourselves, uproot old mindsets, live each day as joyful as possible, and see what happens?

I am sending my deepest love and sincere gratitude to my family, friends, teachers, doctors, all the animals and plants on this beautiful planet, and, last but not least, my cat Oscar.